107 days...

Abigail 

My last note I wrote on this mac was 107 days ago, sitting in Traverse City airport waiting to go back to Denmark, to study and be without my daughter for a very long time.

Some probably think ( I know you do) how could or can I do it? 

Isn’t it better to for a child to have a “safe” childhood with no moving around and knowing what is going to happen every day?

I agree, but I’m not fortunate to have a family just like any other family. I made a choice 2 years ago moving back to Denmark, before that I made another choice moving to the states. All of the choices has been very difficult, trust me. I probaly think more about it, then you ever will do. My child has a father on the other side of the world, she is half American and she has every right to see her dad and he has the right to see her. No matter how much I miss her, she is half American and half Danish, no one can take that away from her and she will be traveling for the rest of her life. And the missing is terrible, I’m not sure how I can explain how it feels. I have been through a whole lot of feelings, sometimes I felt like a manio/depressive person, one moment I could be extremely happy, 5 minutes later, I would be trying to call my baby in the middle of the night. I have had panic attacks, feelings of depression and sometimes I even looked if there was a cheap ticket to go see her, just for a day. When time went by it became easier, the missing was not to bad and I was able to live somehow normal again. I used all my energy on school, on working out and I kind of wore myself out, totally. I tried to set up some goals to have something to do, when I have the chance and I almost got everything done, before she will be back in Denmark. 

If you wonder why she was going to stay with her father for so long, here is the reason why. A year ago I applied for a job in the ICU at the local hospital. This would mean that I had to go through a two year education program to become an ICU nurse. ( this is how its done in DK after you are an RN) I knew that schooling would take 6 weeks total, but I didn’t know it would be spread out for 6 months. I called my ex-husband and asked if he would take care of our daughter while I went to school, because I knew it would be very difficult being alone 24/7 with a 3 hers old, trying to study in a town 1,5 hours drive away, with no car and little money. He agreed right away and so did my mother in law, so all I needed was to get the job. I was almost certain I didn’t get it, cause its so difficult to get a job these days. But I did, and at that time 2014 seemed so far away. Time ran extremely fast, before I knew it, it was 2014 and I had to travel to the states with my daughter and it seemed very unreal. I know there is women all over the states who are doing the same when they depart with the military and I deeply respect them for the choice they made. When I think of that I don’t really have anything to complain over, but still it can’t remove the way I feel.  Denmark and USA is very different when it comes to having opions when it comes to this and I almost think I lost some friendships doing this. I try never to judge people for how they have a family, we are all very different, some are very fortunate to have met the right guy at the right moment, others are like me, I met someone and got divorced. Im not 100 % sure why it didn’t last, I have my thoughts and my theories, but I never really figured out how fast a relationship can get destroyed. I don’t regret anything, because I would never have had Abigail or the experience or the opportunity to see the world like I always dreamed of. 

Im so thankful that I have a ex-husband that I can talk to and that we agree on how we are going to bring up our daughter, because its not easy, but we try and I think we are doing good despite the situation we are in. I love my family over here, I love America, just as much as I love my family back home and Denmark.

Its been 2 years

So I really can't believe this. Today, all of a sudden I realize, its been 2 years since I moved back to Denmark from the states... I have been taking a break from studying, looking at pictures from the time I arrived in Denmark and until today. So much has happened since then. Its with a very strange feeling, how much my life has changed, how much my daughter has chanced and very much of it to the better.

Its been rough getting a divorce. I would lie if I told you, I didn't miss my life in the states sometimes, because I do. I miss my house, my friends, my family, my beloved wienerdogs and my things that are still in the house. Sometimes I'm not even sure how it all went wrong, but I have my diaries and when I look at them, I have no doubt it was the right thing to do for me and for my daughter. I can't take things back, what is done, is done. There is only one way and that is moving forward...

And look how far I have come... Two years ago all I had was 3 suitcases, my daughter and 2 strollers.  My parents picked me up at the airport in Hamburg. I was filled with shame over what happened to me. I was getting divorced. I hated myself for going home, but It would have "killed" me staying.
I had nothing, no money, no job, no daycare, no bed, no clothes, but already the next day I had to look at a place to live and I'm blessed to come from a country which takes care of their citizens. After a month, I had a temporary job as a nurse, a place to live, a daycare for my daughter. Times were not easy, there was a lot of hiddens tears and trying to stay strong to show my daughter that we were going to get through this. Every single day, everything got a little better. Step by step. With help from my parents, my sister, brother and friends. If you don't know how thankful I am for this, I will let you know now. I love you to the stars and back...

So here I am, 2 years later and I can't believe how far I have come. Im sitting in my apartment studying to become an ICU nurse. I have the most amazing co-workers. I got pst of my friends back. My family are here. I just got my paycheck and it looks pretty good. ( thats a lie, its freaking awesome) My body is stronger then it was, when I was 24, my mind is stronger. My boyfriend is simply amazing (yes, you are). I couldn't ask for much more, nothing but having my sweetheart beside my and the countdown is 17 days. 90 days is gone now, time has been flying. She is having a great time with her dad, he is a bit tired though, so Im guessing it will be my turn to be tired very soon :) I wouldn't have done anything different, because what I have done, has made me the person I am today. I have learned so much on the way, even though the road was bumpy for me, it is a fun ride. I wish for more bumpy rides and hoping that the best days of my life haven't happened yet.

Little blue eyed girl, who always wants me to do yoga with her on FaceTime and play peek a boo over and over again and read the same story 100000 times. I love you so much my heart brakes when I think of you. You are in my heart every second of the days.... I will see you soon....

Imens de "leger" familie....

Jeg har lige modtaget de her billeder idag, af min elskede datter Abigail. Hun ser elskværdig sød, smilende og glad ud på billeder, det får mig til at smile. Jeg elsker den pige mere end jeg nogensinde har elsket nogen, i kender det. Man ved ikke hvad rigtig ægte kærlighed er, førend man står med et barn på armen. Jeg har altid ønsket mig en datter og hende jeg har, er intet mindre end et fantastisk lille mennesker, som jeg lærer noget nyt af hver dag...

Når det nu er sagt, skal jeg være ærlig at fortælle at mens de nu "leger" familie i USA, er jeg jaloux! Samtidig med at jeg forsøger at glæde mig over hendes dejlige smil og at hendes gode måde at håndtere tingene på, er jeg møghamrende jaloux. Jeg kan ikke finde ud af om det er fordi jeg er bange for at hun "glemmer" sin mor, eller om fordi hun jo har hele pakken lige og ser så glad ud? Eller det er fordi Aron har mødt en ny kvinde i sit liv. Jeg vidste jo godt at han havde mødt en, men han havde hele tiden sagt at det ikke var noget seriøst og at jeg skulle høre fra Abigail at hun havde mødt "Ms De", var som at få kastet en spand kold vand i hovedet. Jalousi er en frygtelig ting og Aron har forsøgt at dæmpe min uro flere gange, men når kvinde ikke ønsker at stå ansigt til ansigt med mig, har jeg svært  ved at falde til ro!

Mit hjerte er simpelthen ved at falde ud og har jeg flere gange i sekunder af ukontrolleret desperat handlen, været ved at købe en billet til Michigan. Jeg kan ikke beskrive hvordan det er at have et barn i et andet land, man ikke kan nå, ikke kan røre ved, ikke kan se. På den anden side, så kan jeg jo se hvordan min eksmand har det, når Abigail er her hos mig og så kan jeg sådan set bare lære hvordan det er at være ham. Jeg føler lidt at jeg ligeså godt i denne periode kunne få diagnosen manio/depressiv, for det er sådan jeg har det og nogle gange er det indenfor sekunder at det svinger.

Hvis du undrer dig over hvorfor jeg poster dit og dat på facebook og laver diverse underlige ting, så er det simpelthen i et forsøg på at aflede min egen opmærksomhed hen på noget andet, for en søndag kan næsten slå mig i gulvet, hvis jeg ikke har noget at lave....

Et lille sidespring...
Som flere af jer ved arbejder jeg pt at få en praktik plads i udlandet dvs USA, til min sekundære praktik, som intensiv sygeplejerske.  Jeg har fundet pladsen, men forsikringen på hospitalet vil komme til at koste mig ca 5000 dollars. Et kort sekundt opgav jeg faktisk, men er blever opfordret til at søge legater, hvis der er nogen af jer, der kender steder man kan søge legater, skriv til mig på facebook, eller email : pboe@hotmail.com

107 dage uden Abigail...

Der er gået 29 dage idag.  29 dage, uden små fødder på gulvet, tegnefilm i fjerneren, spil på ipad'en. Ingen tidspres, ingen stress, fulde nætter med uafbrudt søvn. Men et ubeskriveligt savn, som føles noget lignende den værste kærestesorg man kunne tænke sig, eller som om man har mistet en man holder rigtigt meget af. Det er uden tvivl, det sværeste jeg NOGENsinde har gjort, jeg ved at jeg nok skal komme igennem det, men det trækker tænder ud og jeg ville ønske at jeg bare kunne dufte til hendes hår, bare om natten, eller bare et kort sekundt.
Når alt det er skrevet, så ved jeg at hun har det godt, hun stortrives. Hun elsker hendes far overalt på jorden. Hun skal vide hvem hendes far er, så hun ikke en dag sidder i programmet sporløs og skal banke på en dør som måske ikke ville blive åbnet. En far, er ligeså god, som en mor. Abigail mangler hendes far, hun savner ham i hverdagen og vi snakker om ham herhjemme. Jeg er overbevidst om, at et godt samarbejde mellem far og mor, er bedre end intet samarbejde. Jeg ville ønske at alle kunne gøre det samme for deres børn, nu hvor det ikke kan være på andre måder, end at vi har valgt at gå hver vores vej. Ikke sagt at vi er bedste venner og deler alt, eller ikke kan blive uvenner over småting, diskutere osv. Men at man kan enes når det gælder Abigail, for hun kan ikke gøre for at hendes mor og far ikke har kunnet finde ud af det sammen. Hun er den der skal leve med at de ikke bor sammen, får nye kærester, hun får aldrig den perfekte familie, men hun får det allerbedste vi kan give hende, ubetinget kærlighed, tryghed og forhåbentlig en følelse af at vi kan sammen og er "gode" venner. Der er intet i verden, jeg ikke ville give hende. Jeg ville inderligt have ønsket at vores forhold ville kunne have fungeret og vi kunne være forblevet en familie sammen. At blive skilt, er noget nær det værste der kan ske for min opfattelse af hvordan jeg skulle leve mit liv. Jeg ønsker ikke at det skal ske for nogen i denne verden.
Hvorfor blev i ikke bare sammen? Min eksmand og jeg kunne ikke sammen, det var noget i retning af, olie og vand sammen, ville jeg til højre, gik han til venstre, drak han coca cola, drak jeg pepsi, jeg var til Nike, han til adidas, burgerking/mcdonalds, sort/hvid. Jeg tror når man når til et punkt hvor det hele skal gøres op og man ikke har kunnet sammen i meget meget lang tid, man har skændes hvert andet sekundt, grædt i uendelige mængder, prøvet mere end hvad ens grænser kunne holde til, så når man til et punkt hvor man enten giver op eller vælger helt at gå en anden vej. Jeg valgte den anden vej, hvis jeg ikke havde valgt den anden vej, ville jeg ikke have opnået det som jeg har lige nu og jeg ville ikke have været foruden. Det er den rette vej for mig. Abigail kan nu se en glad mor, som er der for hende, uanset hvad, som smiler og som laver ting med hende. En af de ting der har knust mit hjerte allermest er, at hun hver gang vi ser billeder af mig og min eksmand sammen, peger på dem og siger: mor ked af det. Det tog hende ca 1 år, efter at vi kom hjem, at sige til mig at jeg var glad.
ET år!!!!! Tænk hvis det lille pus, har rendt rendt rundt og troet at jeg har været ked af det et helt år... Hm, jeg tror ikke hun har tænkt dybt og inderligt over det, og den måde hun er på, har vist at hun er en lille fighter, som er enormt god til at omstille sig. Jeg er så stolt af at hun kan være ved hendes far og de kan få nogle gode måneder sammen, selvom jeg må kæmpe med et ubeskriveligt savn, dybt dybt inde i hjertet... Men jeg græder og savner gerne, for at hun kan få det bedste....

Giv jeres små et kram, nyd deres små finurligheder, fortæl dem at I elsker dem en ekstra gang, for min skyld, fordi i kan og pris jer lykkelige hvis i har nogen i kan dele det med, som står ved jeres side, lige meget hvad!

Abigail Clara, min elskede datter. Din mor savner dig, til himlen, månen, stjernene og ned til den dybeste sandbund... Vi ses om 78 dage...